I told her alright for the most part. I found out on her birthday, which was not planned at all! Anything That Has To Do With You and New YorkCity. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. Its fluff and fluff does not work for me. Another one of those crazy, good days where something so big happens, that I have seriously been jumping up and down all day long. Best news ever. I miss you. It was quiet. I will always look for you though. I have a lot of dreams. It felt like it today. Then the next letter, from a mom, whos husband is working 3 jobs, they have nothing, but she cleaned out her change drawer. The way I run myself ragged, Im surprised it took this long. I will never understand why all of these kids are swept under the rug. Everything looks perfect, just the way things looked with you, too. I went today. She told me that she knows that this is a gift from you. This is what you were meant to do and will do for the rest of your life. Coming from her, I was beyond flattered. Im mentally tapped out. I know the pain of losing a child, at any age, is awful. It took me a minute to explain all of this to them, but by the end they were both a little teary eyed and said they agreed with me and understood why. I didnt survive this. Finally, someone you can do all those girly things with that you love doing. Certainly not this nowhere of crying myself to sleep because I am so sad I got to do none of those things with you today. Ive spent about the past year, avoiding our house during the day, because I hate it so much without you here. I cannot keep up with everything that is going on and life seems to running at an outrageous speed. Maybe Ill call it, What To Expect After Losing A Child And Having Another. Yes. I finally got your daddy on the phone. I wouldnt have needed to say much as your eyes say it all. It seems to be filled with all the wrong things, the wrong people hurting others, the wrong everything. We walked all over the city. With the little free time that I had in New York, I spent it with Rachel. Im sad. I sacrifice myself, for them. Trust me. Go, go, go. The entire tree is going to be blue and white. I need to get in some hours working on this book. They may have gently slapped me here and there, but they didnt talk ill or abandon me or whisper behind my back. Ro baby. Shes a pretty big deal in the literary world and is a writer herself. This is such a pattern, him in my dreams, always when I am dreaming about you in whatever way that I am. Of course it is a Star Wars theme. Its amazing the way she seemsto beworking her little magic on all of us. I do these things for you. Ive been a fucking mess, but hiding it pretty well. What a fucking joke. I let the tears come, too. I can do this. I'm trying to get there as fast as I can. No mother is strong enough to survive something like this. We Have a NewHome! Ronans gone. You know how I am about just letting things, happen when they are supposed to. I wish it didnt have to be this way, but this is the decision I have made. Her secret is beyond this world and she is the only one that can posses it. http://emotionalmojo.comMy first real interview is Monday. I buried my head into the steering wheel and just gave into everything I needed to let out. The thought of this made me laugh due to Dr. Jo. Ive had to start thinking about things like what it is going to be like, when Poppy arrives. I trust in you. The world seems so noisy and not in a good way. Its about helping other people as much as I can and in anyway that I can in this totally fucked up world where I cannot even see Christmas lights properly because they are always so blurry from my falling tears. Because if I dont have things to do, I just wont do anything at all and that is not a good place for me to be. I guess if it doesnt touch your life personally, it is easier just to look the other way and go about your business. We think we have our boy name too. I know this is not true. I cannot take the things down from your room, only to fill them with something new. Your birthday which also happensto bethe day youwere cremated. It was so not fair or right. I was aching to see your little face so badly that I wanted to throw up. If it was not, things like this would not just continue to happen over and over again. Simple words that go such a long way. The thought of any type of food, makes me nauseous, except pies. It was official. Please. Those two, will always go by their nicknames. I am not taking your day and turning it into something fucking pretty, happy, light, and filled with angels from above. I have been mentally visualizing myself walking into that hospital but then having to walk out with my dead childs costume. I promise to be the best little tenant ever. I am angry and sad in a way that I havent been in a while and there is nothing that can make this pain go away or better. He simply responded with an, I miss him. I read his words Ronan and FUCK. We are almost totally off caffeine) It is the most beautiful building and it even has a basketball court which your brothers are so excited for! I dont like being in our house, without you. In a way, I wanted that to be true but I know after tonight, that this wont ever be the case. 2 years without you and Im sitting here scratching my head saying how can that be? Not really. I laid on our bed and cried for a long time. I hope today I can manage to be a little productive. She also told me she hoped I was o.k. I heard her say it was a boy, before she said anything at all. They so want to help with our mission and were so touched by our story that they created this show called Emotional Mojo. He deserved better. You are pure magic and are totally going to make the best fucking godmother ever. Anybody that says otherwise, can fuck off. I missed you tonight, when we were riding in our old jeep to the restaurant. I am up due to feeling sick to my stomach from this Poppy that grows in my belly. A mother doesnt survive something like this. I still think it is the most beautiful song that I have ever heard. My shot didnt hurt for me today. There is not a part of me that is doing any of this for myself because I dont live for myself anymore.This life I live now is not about me anymore. When Im not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. They cant. I feel myself slipping into my alone place, not wanting to connect with anyone. I just want you back. on Thankful for the opportunity to continue talking about Ronan, Taylor, childhood cancer, and the horrifically hard world of bereavedparents. Happy and fancy. How About No Expectations Because Nobody Knows.. WTF. I had a super important phone call this week. Welcome to our new home! Ryan Starr was born Tiffany Montgomery in the Sunland neighborhood of Los Angeles, California, a place where she once described as a "middle of nowhere town, up in the hills - like, horse country." Her elementary, middle, and high schools were all about "a block from one another" in her words, and growing up, Starr considered herself to be "a small-town tomboy". OMG. I love you to the moon and back. Dr. Mosse from Chop. Nothing helps. Liam chimed in, too. I cannot process this. But you chose not to do that, and look at everything is happening. I got to see her on an 3-D ultra sound on Tuesday. Do I usually have this hard of a time, every year, right before the holidays? What in the hell is that all about? Dr. Schwartz calmly talked about when she could induce me and told me that she would not let me go to my due date because she knows the fear I have. I felt a wave of goodness wash over me. Talk about another huge sign! I know that running away would not have solved my sadness, but living in the same house, without you is hard for me. I let it continue to play. Not many people can say that about themselves. Happily. I would rather not put something into my body if I dont have to. I am excited too. As of now, I cant talk about our news. This book writing has left me not sleeping or eating well and may be part of the reason why I feel like Im no the verge of a breakdown. My skin was crawling, my head was screaming, and I was tossing and turning. Let him be fine. Yes, it is wrong. I asked him how I was ever supposed to face the world again as I never went anywhere without Ro, my little partner in crime. Those are not problems. Katie. Whats going on? I so badly, wanted my little sidekick and partner in crime. Ronan is of course over the moon to spend the day with one of his brothers. Can you believe that shit?! I love that. Im afraid this is the best it is going to get. Time to go, little man. When I'm not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. Carolyn. I love people like that. Now if I can only get those brothers of yours on Team Poppy. I will never understand this. Whats wrong? Every day is hard without you, but this time of the year there seems to be a shift about me that I cannot control. Stacy is coming with me. I am doing this to protect myself because I already know I am going to need the time. I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. That I am sure of. I let my body break down like it has been wanting to do. I know you all worry when I am quiet, but I promise I am o.k. Im working on it but my revenge will never serve justice for your death. It's the "Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes." A lot of you, ask that in my comments. Im pacing the house now. Ronans dead. Why are your eyes so red today? He asked. We left our friends and headed off to our new destination. Im not sure what we will do. I have yet to find a good book about what it is like to have a baby, after going through something as traumatic as losing a child to cancer. So good. I think its really long and Im too sad, to continue on. This is the girl, who is fighting with every single thing that I have, because I dont have a choice, unless I want to curl up and die, while letting cancer take EVERYTHING away from me. She has given me such a gift already and she is only a week old. I will see you tomorrow.. I opened a letter from someone saying how they had heard your story, wanted to help, but they only had 1 dollar. How much your absence is always felt. I told your brothers. I dont get to scold you when you are being naughty The only way I can get to you, is through these things that I am so desperately trying to do. If that wasnt enough to make me cry, the next thing was. The moments of utter beauty and bliss that I only feel by being with certain people. She made me smile so for that moment in time, I was o.k. But how not physically having them here, is so very difficult. Oh god. Ronan. Forever friends because of the unthinkable bond that we share. So, where to start? Thank you to all of my rad hometown babes who worked so hard to get this all done. This is the girl who went skydiving, just because. on Only Eddie Vedder could drink wine on a stage and make it lookbadass. Hes had a sinus infection (Yay! O.k. I spent the rest of the day, resting and trying not to be resentful for it. They turned out beautifully. I sat and cried into the phone while he just listened. She told me I could have chosen to do anything after losing you, but this chose me and its what I will do for the rest of my life. P.S. I am really glad about that because of days like today that seem to just magically fall into place when I need a big slap in the face of why what I am doing, is so important. I hate seeing him on days like today where I am so sad that I can tell it hurts him. Sometimes I feel like Im grasping at thin air, sometimes I get tired and so very sad, but I have never in my life wanted to give up or quit. I am going to need some time with her. Sometimes it makes me cry, sometimes it makes me smile, it always makes me miss you with everything that I am. I sat at the TGen conference all day again today. The biggest reason of all. Gnite, babydoll. Ireland! I almost fell over. Mother fucking asshole cancer. My phone rang and so I did my thing. I sent your Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text. You would be so proud of the way they are killing it on the court. And that is all I want more than anything in the world. Ronan. We fell asleep pretty early. Thankful for the opportunity to continue talking about Ronan, Taylor, childhood cancer, and the horrifically hard world of bereavedparents. I had a good day. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. May 9th. How could my totally healthy, beautiful baby boy be so healthy, and then have fucking stage 4 cancer just like that? I was wrong. Ronan is not going to let anything happen to you. That phone call that has had me down on my knees every day and night, begging and screaming to you to please DO NOT LET THIS BE STAGE IV FUCKING BULLSHIT CANCER AGAIN. I dont understand how even watching your daddy and brothers, watch football is normal now. Turns out, they are not. After about the second day of being extremely sick, I started to come about and realized my surroundings again. I say, Mayor Gregory Stanton for PRESIDENT. A cold, beachy destination seems to be much more fitting. Its because of Poppy. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but before I knew it, I was sobbing so hard it was all I could do to make it to my car before my tears formed puddles at my feet and I just slowly drowned. This is also just me, grabbing on to anything and everything I can, to still get to be your mama and parent you, Ronan.